Ineffective Leadership Happens Outside of Our Awareness
Most ineffective leadership happens outside our awareness. Leaders rarely wake up intending to make life difficult for their teams or choosing to avoid giving feedback or clarity. Yet these behaviours still surface because emotional intelligence at work directly shapes how we lead. Who we are is how we lead. The real challenge is often not external—it’s our own leadership emotions and reactions.
Many leaders genuinely intend to lead well, support their teams, and model effective behaviour. But human behaviour doesn’t always align with intention.
This gap—between the leader we want to be and the leader our team experiences—often stems from unrecognised workplace emotions and patterns we haven’t learned to manage. Read on to learn how leading yourself is the first step to lead others.
We Are Feeling Machines That Think
Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio famously said we are “feeling machines that think, not thinking machines that feel.”
This truth is central to emotionally intelligent leadership. Emotions are always present—at home, at work, in meetings, and in difficult conversations. Even leaders who believe they are masking their feelings communicate them through their behaviour.
Some leaders are highly self-aware and understand how their emotions affect others. Others have little awareness of how their feelings shape their leadership behaviour and team culture. They are still to learn how to lead themselves.
When Emotionally Intelligent Leadership is Lacking – A Real Story
I once worked with a leader whose emotions set the tone for each day. When she entered the room agitated, the whole team braced themselves.
She rarely expressed her feelings directly, yet her behaviour revealed them in every interaction.
Her unhappiness seeped into the workplace, making collaboration challenging and creating emotional instability across the team. Though compassionate initially, the emotional strain eventually pushed me to leave a role I could have loved.
Reflecting now, I understand her behaviour differently. I don’t believe she intended to create such a difficult environment—she simply didn’t have the tools or awareness to regulate her emotions as a leader.
Lead Yourself to Lead Others in Tough Times
This might be an extreme example, but it highlights the understanding: emotions impact leadership behaviour. Whether it’s the butterflies before giving feedback or the frustration triggered by an abrupt email—these are emotional and nervous system responses that influence how we lead.
Our teams experience the same patterns. Resistance to change, for instance, is often a natural attempt by the brain to seek certainty.
When we accept that emotions are part of working life, we unlock the ability to lead ourselves and others with more humanity, compassion, and clarity.
This doesn’t mean oversharing or emotional dumping. It means recognising the role of human experience in effective leadership and learning how to work with emotion rather than against it. In Atlas of the Heart, (2021) Brené Brown found there are 87 human emotions and experiences. The average number people can name is three. Mad, sad or glad.
A Practical Tool for Emotionally Intelligent Leadership
To build stronger emotional literacy and reduce reactivity in leadership moments, here’s a simple reflective tool:
Recognise the Emotion
Notice the emotion and how it shows up in your body (your physical emotional signals).
Be Curious About Your Story
Explore how your background, family dynamics, and community shape your emotional responses and leadership habits.
Identify Your Default Thoughts
Ask: “What story do I tell myself when I feel this?” Common patterns include I’m not good enough or I need to stay in control.
Notice Your Behaviour Patterns
Understand how you typically behave when this emotion arises—withdraw, over-control, avoid, push harder.
Recognise the Trigger
Identify the situation or context that activated the feeling. What was the backstory?
This tool strengthens emotional intelligence and helps leaders respond rather than react.
What I’ve Learned From Developing Emotionally Intelligent Leaders
Across project, operational, and strategic teams—and many hours of coaching—one truth stands out: leadership can be lonely, emotionally demanding, and often thankless.
Yet many leadership programmes overlook the essential role emotions and the nervous system play in day‑to‑day leadership challenges.
That’s why my Courageous Leader Series focuses directly on how emotions shape leadership behaviour, how to navigate difficult conversations, and how to lead with self-awareness, clarity, and courage. These are practical, bite-sized modules designed to strengthen emotionally intelligent leadership in real-world situations. We teach first how to lead yourself, then to lead others.
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